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OK, so I know I haven't written in forever--and despite all of the crucial, hardly-life-altering events that have taken place in the last few weeks/however long it's been, I don't really feel like disclosing this information--as it's incredibly private and not really worth disrupting the other person's life (that knows this addy). I doubt that he/she knows who they are--they might think they know. But they probably don't. ;p...as I haven't really talked about it.
Anyway...
I'm sitting in a sort of half-dazed state of disappointment, abandonment, and rejection (what's new?) due to Friend X. I invited Friend X out to lunch yesterday but oh...she was tooo busy! hmm! So I assumed we were going today but no. Friend X is going on with someone else, didn't even bother telling me or inviting me, and is going with someone who she often refers to as "@#%$&*^!! irritating!!!1", "@*&#%^$#!! spoiled!!!1" and "$#@&^@!! demanding!!!1" -sigh- I guess I must be all of that + more! whee!
I gues I just assumed that when I started Running Start that my high school friends would try to do something with me when we had the time. But no. They never see me...so I just thought---they would try? They never call me anymore, write me little notes or letters anymore, invite me anywhere, or try to communicate with me at all. It's almost as if they're using Running Start as like...a jumping off point. "Thank God she's out of our hair!"
I know they'd deny all of it if I questioned them...and I'm not one to just invite myself places. I'm just tired of always being the one inviting people everywhere and either having people be like, 'uhhh...i have uhhh...stuff to do...' or just flat-out saying they don't want to. The only people who still bother talking to me are Eric & Tim, Bobby, and Sonja. Everyone else could give a fuck-less.
I'm also tired of waiting. Waiting for Friend R to make up his mind. Waiting for Friend R to stop toying with my emotions. Waiting...waiting...waiting for Friend R. 'Good things come to those who wait'...but how much longer must I sit idly by in agonizing anxiety?
God Save The Queen,
_One Dumb Slut Deserves Another_
It's always kind of a letdown to have to finally admit to yourself that your object of affections (Big Slutty Jerk) as well as dear friend is a complete and total manslut. And then to remember "oh, we don't associate ourselves with sluts! sluts = bad. sluts = hurt. sluts = ...slutty. they get aids. (but deserve them, remember)." Well shit on a shingle. Two birds with one stone.
We won't use names--as names can be bad. We'll use nicknames--nicknames are fun. So Big Jerk has a shindig. We get to said shindig. Already a miniature orgy is in full swing with Big Slutty Jerk and Fez the Foreign Ho, as well as Lying, Backstabbing Jerk and Super Shirtless Slut Girl. Innocent Victim #1 is sitting alone in a corner, Innocent Victim #2/Slut Slayer (moi) bypasses afforemention orgy and talks with IV #1. I end up getting pissed--needing C--and leaving. I return about an hour and a half later with the orgy getting (oh hold me) BETTER! or worse, depending on which end you're on.
As fun as that conversation was. Him hanging around my shoulders--me sobbing and telling him to go away, that it was all pointless and useless, that he wasn't a happy person and that he needed to not to emotionally retarded.
The evening only got better, however (not sarcasm). The non-orgiers fled to Sharis then back to Big Slutty Jerk's house.
Big Slutty Jerk and Fez the Foreign Ho are in the process of fucking upon our arrival. Gleefull. We wallow about in our C/Tequila-induced highs before going to Devin's and finally crawling home at about 4:30am.
All in all, an evening to kick the llama's ass.
God Save The Queen,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOUMA MY LOVE! ;__; live long and ...other things--and find your way into my room some time soon ^_- OH WAIT--there you are! -points to wall--grin-
-Hilo
Question of the day: can Jill outmarch the marching band?
ahh, the joys of not having a parking pass.
- - - - -
Bahaha--Mr Aimone is SUCH a big jerk face. In less than ten minutes he had hollared/snapped/belittled me 4 times. One was about emptying the old Crapple Leaf boxes (which he had earlier said we could do), one was about my bracelet (spikes..OoOoOoOOOO >_<)...then I answered the phone and the person asked for "Stacy Gray" And we don't HAVE a Stacey Gray so I asked mr aimone face if he knew one. He said no, and was like "ask who's calling" so I was like, "who is calling?" and they said something unaudible so I asked again and told mr aimone and he came and snatched the phone from me all pissed like. Then when he was done, in front of the whole class was like, "blah blah you need phone skills blah blah" Jill: they were the one with the incorrect name. asshole: blah blah phone skills blah!!!!1 then a few minutes later he was like, "what are you doing?" and I was sorting pictures for my layout and he was like "those pictures are terrible" and i go, "yeah, do we have red-eye remover?" and he goes, "you need to take your own pictures and..blah blah blah" jill: yeah ok, do we have a red-eye remover? asshole: leftovers..blah blah.. jill: yeah OK i GET that--do WE have REDEYE REMOVER? asshole: yes we do, blah blah--waddles off-
FUCK. HIM. I HATE him and I hate that class and idk why I stick with it. IDK WHY. Oh and then after school he made me waste an hour of my day running and getting film. GYAH. HATE.
Sooo..Shitty shitshit shit day! I washed my car. Isn't that great? Yeah. No. Whatever. Now I'm listening to depressing Radiohead songs. Life is great, no? No.
-Hilo
HAHA! look at the time: 04:20 p.m. XD...anyway...
BLARK. gotta go to dinner. Will write later ;p
-Hilo
LATER...
Bah I feel so crummy. Not like I feel like going into details...but oh well... I'm just a complete dumbass. A stupid child who makes it all too obvious when she shouldn't. Who comes on too strong--scares people away--fucks up what she had. Why didn't I ever take to heart the quote by Epicurus that says, "do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you have was once among the things hoped for." Why? Because I'm a stupid shit.
Sonja and I came up with a new emotion today. Unscabled. It stands for, Unsatisfied, Nervous, Sad, Confused, Anxious, Lethargic, Energized, Depressed..and the B in there I forgot. Maybe I'll remember it later. It's all of those and everything yet nothing. Belittled? Idk--I'm dumb.
[i know you...you're sensitive and you hide it--because you fear getting stepped on one more time]
why can't i stop crying.
-Hilo
I'm trapped in this world
Lonely and fading
Heartbroke and waiting
For you to come
We are stuck in this world
That's not meant for me
My head hurts so fucking bad I could stab myself. I hit it on this fucking seatbelt thing when sonja was twisting the steeringwheel all funky. I hit it right on the soft part--god damn it it fucking HURTS. LIKE FUCK.
Stupid gyms. Stupid people that go to them ;_;
oHHH! someone said something nice to me today! BEHOLD:
WAAAAH...Grant, I love you ;p
W000oottt...The Queen of the Damned cd is really good...yup...;p
Nyah nyah,
they say we always end up hurtig the one we love...
well...it works both ways."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
No shizzy poetry for you today ;D You get to suffer through my wonderfully droll NOTHINGNESS...
Today was fairly uneventful. Woke up too late
WONDERFUL. This is an average day in the life of me. ;p Great, no? No. -sigh- Anyway.
i'm sitting on my hands sitting on my hands too afraid to grab you too afraid to reach too afraid to grab you too afraid sitting on my hands sitting And other things.
HELP HELP! SHARK!,
shiat.
I have two new poems. They probably mean something but I just like the way they sound ;p plus they're pretty general in overall meaning...
Not In Love With Me
©moi '02
So
©moi '02 (sensing a pattern?)
AAAAAND a big fat FEH.
Today was fun ^^ Went to the movies with Grant and Tim...to see XXX--again ;p I love that movie XXDD..
Then we...hmm..just hung out, I guess? Caught up with Matt and some guy that was kind of a jerk. And acted pretty full of himself. Must have been the coolass way he was giving himself lung cancer. Man, I was so hot for him.
Feh...anyway...went to Sharis...THERE WERE NEW PEOPLE I DID NOT KNOW. I felt like crying. It made me sad. I was out of my MY element ;_;
Anyhoo..."FRRY AGAAAINN..." XD
-Heeloww
from my friend Kristen's away message...
I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think
we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person...I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.
God, I love that.
NEW LAYOUT! Doesn't it kick bootay? Doesn't PINPIN kick bootay? yes yes she does ;D -major glomp flying tackle attack- ^.^
Oiii...DND today XD it kicked ass! I did...one 116 damage attack to this Night Shade bastard. It was pretty fucking dead. Especially after all the previous damage done to it...XD it was NIIICE...it was a Sunbeamx4--which also blinded him..SCHAWING! and since he was effected by light--it did double damage XDDD--WHOSE HOUSE? JILL'S HOUSE....i said whose house...? jill's house!...anyway...(Dya's house..^^;;) And I have a Pseudodragon named Yanagi after Nuriko ^.^..hoohoo!
bleah..work today, too. Ohh well. I was working with assholes--but overall and easy position!
Much love,
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